“Society makes us think that it’s abnormal if a man isn’t wanting sex all the time,” says New York-based couples therapist Cynthia Pizzulli, Ph.D. She adds that it can lead to thoughts like: “If my man doesn’t want sex all the time, something must be wrong with me,” or “He doesn’t desire me anymore,” or “Oh my God, it’s a catastrophe, we’re going to end up divorced.”
Sexual changes are especially normal—and should be expected—in long-term relationships. But it’s crucial to talk about them as they come up to ensure you’re both on the same page. “A lack of sexual intimacy is a couple-related issue, not an individual issue,” says Pizzulli. In other words, it should be tackled as a team.
That said, there are a few common reasons why the spark is dwindling. Below, experts explain and offer tips on how to find sexy solutions, together.
Reasons why your husband isn’t interested in sex
Priorities have shifted
Life can get hectic, and as a result, sex can be put on the back burner. Especially if you have kids, it might not be top of mind for him to come home from work and initiate sex right away.
“When you come home at the end of the day and you’ve worked all day, you’re either going to sit down and watch TV or go to sleep, or you could somehow have sex,” says Pizzulli. “Sometimes, sleep is more preferable.”
The key here is normalizing the fact that your priorities are bound to change throughout the course of your lifetimes. “This is not something catastrophic for your relationship,” says Pizzulli. “The frequency of sex and the priority of sex changes and ebbs and flows through the life cycle for both men and women.”
He has a medical condition
Just like women, as men age, their risk for certain health conditions rises—including erectile dysfunction (ED) and prostate cancer, both of which can have a serious impact on your sex life.
“ED leads some men to avoid sex altogether,” says Alyssa Dweck, M.D., a New York-based gynecologist and author of The Complete A to Z for Your V. And when it comes to prostate cancer, surgery might be a requirement, which could result in shifting your definition of sex.
“The very first thing we have to understand is that sex is not just penetrative sex,” says Pizzulli. “Sex is not just intercourse. Sex is a lot of things, and it’s anything intended for one’s arousal. So yeah, you’re going to have to adjust things, but intimacy comes in many forms.”
So when your partner gets a diagnosis that could impact your sex life, make sure they’re getting the medical attention they need and provide support. “Anyone can help their partner by showing up as much as possible and taking an active interest in their loved one’s medical problem,” says Christine Milrod, Ph.D., a sex therapist and researcher in Los Angeles.
Your relationship has become platonic
If you’ve been in a relationship for 30, 20, 10, or even 5 years, things can start to become familiar. You’ve gotten into a routine at this point, and that comfort (which is great in some ways) is decidedly not great for your sex life.
“Familiarity creates a platonicness in the relationship,” says Pizzulli. “There’s a sexless marriage when you start to get into a situation where you’re really just best friends, and the eroticness has kind of dropped off in the relationship.” Chances are, folding laundry and washing the dishes together—although possibly bettering the friendship within the couple—is probably not peaking arousal for either of you. “If time together is primarily spent watching TV, taking care of household biz, etc., there is nothing to arouse you there,” says Brandy Engler, Psy.D, a Los Angeles-based psychologist specializing in relationships and sexuality and author of The Men on My Couch. “Men generally don’t walk around aroused; they need stimulation.”
He’s stressed
Over the course of any relationship, there are going to be times that are significantly more stressful than others. Two big causes of that stress? Work and money. “Being fired is a definite romance killer,” says Milrod. “Anxiety is sky high.”
It’s common for couples to get in arguments over money or job security, but those little arguments can add up over time to the point where they eventually affect desire.
“You can actually bicker your sex life to death,” says Milrod. “Men, just like women, will withdraw both emotionally and physically, since every jab creates a mental ‘wound’ that takes longer and longer to heal.”
He’s uncomfortable initiating sex
Believe it or not, some men just aren’t that sexual, or they aren’t confident in leading the way—especially if you’re typically the one who does. “That just might not be part of his erotic blueprint,” says Pizzulli.
This could be true even if he was initiating regularly when you were dating or even early on in the marriage. Some men feel more comfortable initiating early on because it’s “the social norm for men to initiate all things sex,” Pizzulli adds.
He has a low sex drive
It’s totally normal for a man’s sex drive to simply decrease over time. “Many of my male clients are reporting lower sex drives in general,” says Engler. This could be the result of various factors, like mental health or testosterone levels decreasing from environmental factors.
“These guys are usually less interested in intercourse but may still appreciate sensuality or even giving pleasure to their partner,” adds Engler.
He’s taking a new medication
In that same vein, medications, particularly anti-depressants, can cause major shifts in libido, says Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org. Research shows that selective serotonin uptake inhibitors (SSRI) specifically increase chances of erectile dysfunction, and it sometimes persists in those who discontinue the medication.
His self-esteem is low
Especially if you and your husband have been together for a long time, it’s normal for age-related changes to throw off his game—even if he’s not vocal about them. He may be ashamed to bring up newfound insecurities, so he avoids intimacy altogether, Rivera says.
He’s had a change in his sexual interests
It’s possible that your husband may have discovered sexual interests or developed preferences that he isn’t sure how you’ll react to. Whether that has to do with different sex positions, sex toys, kinks, or fantasies, “Men can feel shy, embarrassed, or uneasy about broaching the topic of making a change or request in the bedroom,” explains Samantha Burns, L.M.H.C., licensed couples counselor and author of Breaking Up & Bouncing Back. “They might fear their partner’s reaction, judgment, or shame of possibly being rejected or ridiculed.”
If you think this may be the case, the best thing you can do is foster a safe space for the both of you to discuss each other’s interests and let him know that you’re open to hearing whatever he might want to share.
What to do when your husband isn’t interested in sex
At the end of the day, almost every reason behind a loss of interest in sex by your partner can be addressed and remedied. But the important thing is to actually do the addressing. “People end up in my office because of two things: avoidance and denial,” says Pizzulli. “As soon as there’s any kind of issue where either partner is feeling a lack of sexual intimacy, it needs to be addressed.” This might be difficult if you struggle with how to talk about sex with your partner, but it’s extremely important. Once you identify the why, try one or more of the below tips to find the solution to your sexual woes:
✔️ Make sex a part of your schedule
It may sound unsexy, but planning sex does work. “We plan everything else in our lives, so why not this? You have to set time aside,” says Pizzulli. Set a “date” for Saturday night, and stick to it—preferably during a time with no kids in the house to avoid possible distractions.
✔️ Address potential medical issues
If a medical issue is to blame (erectile dysfunction, depression, etc), once it’s been identified, you can start finding new ways to have fun by either experimenting on your own or meeting with a couples therapist to help find new methods for pleasure.
✔️ Spend more time together
When things feel stagnant, spending more intentional time together can help reignite intimacy. Engler recommends creating a time each day that’s totally tech-free (which can often provide a distraction from sex for both you and your partner). “They agree to use this time to get out of their heads and into their bodies—perhaps go for a walk, dance, meditate—and then go on a date,” she says.
✔️ Don’t be afraid to talk about sex
Burns warns that “sweeping sexual issues under the rug is a huge disservice to your relationship.” She suggests getting to the bottom of those issues and reconnecting with a fun date night where you both ask each other a series of sexual questions. Try asking your partner about how they turn themselves on, things that you do that get him going, what they like that you already do in the bedroom, and if there’s anything they’d like to change about or add to your sex life.
✔️ Try initiating more often
If your partner has gotten shy in the bedroom, the onus here falls on you to take charge. “Just take control of it,” says Pizzulli. “It’s up to you to make time and to say we have a little date on Sunday night. It’s up to you to create an erotic space, to get some pornography or erotic literature.”
What it means when your husband doesn’t love you sexually
“It’s natural for sexual attraction, chemistry, and desire to decrease over time in a relationship, and keeping the spark alive that you felt in your initial courtship or first few years together can take effort and planning,” Burns explains. “The reality is that your body grows tolerant of the initial neurochemical cocktail of hormones—such as dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin—that drive lust and the giddy obsessive feelings when you’re first falling in love. You have to take action to create situations and novelty that bring some of this excitement back.”
Your partner’s low libido or desire for sex might be due to a medical condition (which should be discussed with a medical professional), stress, an increase in comfort and familiarity—or something else. Whatever the reason, it’s important to keep in mind that there’s nothing wrong with either of you and that this is an entirely natural situation that you and your partner can work through with a bit of effort.
However, it is important that you both put in effort. “A dissatisfying sex life can lead to feeling distant and disconnected,” Burns says. She adds that it increases the likelihood of a decrease in quality time, a tendency to “go through the motions,” and even infidelity.
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